It’s Episode 9, which means by the end of this recap I will have watched eighteen hours of Dancing With The Stars. Thank goodness for fast-forward is all I’m going to say.
Amber and her knee braces will be dancing the quickstep with her partner, Derek. Someone followed my advice about sparkle fringe, because we’ve got an entire Cousin It happening here. Bounce, bounce, twirl, kick kick kick, cartwheel (not Amber’s), and ta-da! Dull but respectable. The old guy thought Amber was loose in her top line and I don’t know what that means but it sounds a tad dirty. Everyone agrees, and Amber receives a disappointing 24 points.
Leah and Tony are dancing the tango. Well she looks lovely in a red lace dress, but this dance is kind of crappy. They look like me dancing around the livingroom with my cat. I think the words I’m looking for are “completely ordinary.” Bruno calls it a “badass proper tango,” so maybe I’m just expecting too much from a tango. The judges give her a baffling 27 points.
Corbin and Korina tackle the waltz. He is unusually clumsy-looking with a few misplaced feet, and if I can see that, then the judges sure as heck can as well. Carrie Ann calls it dreamy, and then notes two mistakes. Everyone else gushes for a total of 28 points.
Jack and Cheryl dance the Viennese waltz, smoke machines and all. It’s light and fluttery and quite lovely despite the smattering of shmaltz. The judges have very little criticism, maybe something about his arms, but otherwise it’s love love love. Apparently ballroom is his thing? Who knew! The judges give Jack a total score of 29 points.
Bill and Emma are dancing the Charleston. Cheesy, expected, and poor Emma is working really hard to make Bill look good, to limited success. Bruno notes his lousy timing, Carrie Ann is disappointed, and Len says there was no swivel and it was wooden, which in this case is not a good thing. The judges give Bill a pitiful 21 points.
Elizabeth and Val say they are dancing the Viennese waltz, but it looks more like contemporary to me! Mime in a mirror, reaching for the last can of beans, minor heart attack, posing for wedding photos. Carrie Ann calls the choreography subtle so I guess the hammer missed her head. It wasn’t Len’s cup of tea (thank you, old man), and Bruno noted the contemporary touches (I’m getting good at this…someone shoot me, please) for a total score of 26 points.
It’s the “trio dance round,” where the “stars” dance with a third. So it’s like a threesome with clothes and choreography? Okay.
Amber dances salsa with two guys, and it works for her because she is clearly a star and I am actively avoiding mentioning that it takes two men to lift her but it does, so moving on! This is so her dance, fast and hip-shakingly sexy and the judges give her a total of 27 points.
Leah and her two men attempt something that looks like a…I don’t know. What am I looking at? Oh! It’s a Charleston, right? She’s good, I guess. The crowd goes wild, the judges clap, and it’s a total score of 27 points.
Corbin dances jazz with two ladies and it’s probably his best dance yet (and not just because he lacks a shirt). He’s a Broadway dancer, so this is his thing and he does it very, very well. Just give him thirty points already. Yup, a total of 30 points, though I think Carrie Ann tried to give him more.
Jack dances the samba to some kind of jungle theme. It’s over-the-top and fun and it’s safe to assume his ass has never shaken like that before for a total of 25 points.
Bill is attempting to salsa dressed as Willie Wonka, but I’m not sure this is much more than Bill standing there while two women dance around him. Finger guns, hand rolls, his usual cheese for a total score of 21 points.
Elizabeth also dances the salsa with two shirtless men, so thank you for that, Elizabeth. She always looks slightly awkward to me because she’s so limby and they whip around so fast, like an arm might fly off at any moment. Anyway, she gets a perfect score of 30 points.
Okay, let’s get to the elimination. It’s between Elizabeth and Val and Bill and Emma. Just get rid of Bill already, please. But no, Elizabeth and Val who had the second-highest score of the night and overall high scores throughout the competition are eliminated because…why? Because Nomi Malone cannot catch a break.
Next week, it’s the semifinals.
Stay tuned for more Dancing With The Stars recaps each week!
All photos via On the Red Carpet
