It’s Hollywood Night! Whoo! We’re excited about this, right? I can’t tell anymore because sparkles! Lights! I’m so distracted! The only thing bringing me down is an injured Bill Nye, may not be able to perform.
First up are Leah and Tony dancing the rumba to a schmaltzy song I don’t recognize. She’s looking seriously intense and way into her character. Their ending was a little weird, rolling around on the floor in an unflattering and unsexy way, but Len loves the chemistry, that creepy Bruno guy is enjoying Leah’s sexy face, and the nice Carrie Ann disagrees about arms, for a score of 24 points.
Corbin and Karina dance the quickstep, which is exactly what it sounds like. Legs are flying, they’re both doing leapy leaps and toe tappy kicking moves, and there are even a few sliding shuffle things. I’m pretty sure that was very good, but let’s hear what the judges think. They loved it, except for the old guy who found it too hectic. Boo, old guy. A whopping 26 points.
Elizabeth and Val dance the foxtrot in old timey outfits. Her footwork looks sloppy, but then again I know nothing about dancing. Somehow she ended up being dragged around the floor, which maybe wasn’t very intentional? The pretty lady loved it except for “a boo boo in the middle,” the old guy calls it “chicken soup to the eyes,” and Bruno spits on Carrie Ann, for a score of 25 points.
It’s a quickstep from Brant and Peta, but he’s got a sprained ligament so, yeah. Maybe it was a bad choice. Well they look great, if that counts for anything. And they’re moving really, really fast so I guess it’s going well. The judges are bonkers for this performance, giving it a score of 27 points.
Valerie and Tristan attempt a Cha-Cha to Freddie Mercury. Rock on, Valerie. You’re a really lousy dancer, but you are also a nifty lady. The judges compliment her looks and give her a miserable 16 points.
Bill and Emma dance a western rodeo paso doble, which I’ve totally been spelling wrong, I think. It’s strange and awkward and looks like an extremely low budget foreign film. Bill and Emma seem pretty excited about it, and the judges are right there with them. It was a silly dance, but they got it right and the judges give them 24 points.
Amber is having a long week recording music, shooting Glee, and dancing the Charleston. She gets in some practice between yawns and is ready to dance with Derek. As usual, she’s an amazing showman. The crowd loves it, and so do the judges. The old guy talks about razzle and dazzle, Bruno criticizes her scissor action (shuddup), and Carrie Ann says her bottom half wasn’t as banging as her top half, for a total of 24 points.
Jack and Cheryl are pimpin’ and hoein’…with the Cha-Cha. Eew. This is not something that is fun to watch. He’s just so stiff and joyless when he dances. And was that supposed to be a split? Because that wasn’t even a bent knee let alone a split, and it might’ve hurt in a very delicate spot. Bruno loved the opening and something about passion, or no passion, I can’t really understand him. The pretty lady enjoyed it less than I did, and the old guy finds their dancing lacking, for a total of 22 points.
Christina is dancing the Charleston with a creepy clown because everybody loves clowns who grope scantily clad women. Carrie Ann calls it incredible, the old guy criticizes her swivel action (shush, you), and the creepy guy who is not in clown face gushed over the performance, for a score of 26 points.
It’s time for Snooki and Sasha. She’s dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and looks a lot better when she doesn’t talk. I have no idea what they’re dancing, something vaguely ballroomish, and it’s meh. She kind of just looks like she’s being led around the stage…and then she does some bizarre hand-holding cartwheel and lands on the floor but in a good way. That’s got to impress the judges, right? Right. They give her a total score of 25 points.
Well the doctors patched up Bill Nye and he’s ready to dance a jazz routine to Daft Punk, and he’s wearing a spaceman costume that immobilizes his knee. So this is going to be good. And by good, I mean exceptionally, embarrassingly horrible. Was the helmet necessary? Probably. You know what? This almost works. He’s robot dancing, and she’s…I don’t know, but she looks great. And they’re having fun, so robot on you crazy science nerd! Bruno was entertained, Carrie Ann is impressed and wants to see more content once he is healed, and the old guy finds it gutsy, for a total of 16 points.
It’s time to vote someone off of the show. With plenty of tense music, Brant, Christina, and Bill Nye are all in jeopardy. Which is odd because Brant and Christina danced their asses off. Brant and Peta are safe, so now it’s between Christina and Mark and Bill and Tyne. Since I have no idea who Christina is, I can’t second-guess the viewers who have nothing better to do than vote for a person dancing on the dummy box. So…Bill Nye is eliminated. That’s a shame, he’s a good egg. And a lousy dancer.
Stay tuned for more Dancing With The Stars recaps each week!
All photos via On the Red Carpet
