The Biggest Loser Season 14 Premiere: So Much Vomit

Bite Size Wellness will be recapping all of the sweat, tears and, uh, vomit that takes place during the hit TV show The Biggest Loser over the next several weeks. Hidden among the screaming trainers and awkwardly placed commercials are some very insightful fitness and healthy living tips we can carry on into our day to day lives. We plan to highlight these lessons as well as give you the rundown of what happened in each episode with a bit of humor and truth sprinkled without. 

Biggest Loser Season 14 Premiere (Day 1) — Sunday, January 6th episode

Before we meet the contestants, let’s take a sneak peek at some of the weight loss skills we learned in last night’s episode:

• Change the dialogue in your head;
• Decide to stop being a victim;
• Breathe in the positive and out the fear; and
• Fear Jillian, a lot.

This season, The Biggest Loser shines a light on childhood obesity. “What does this mean for my enjoyment of an otherwise fine reality television show?” Well, you will have to tolerate a story line about three overweight children: Sunny, Bingo, and Lindsay. The kids cannot be eliminated or forced to work on the ranch because that would be a) cruel and b) a violation of too many child labor laws. Instead, they will flit in and out of challenges and workouts like Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch.

Let’s get to the show. Bob comes bounding onto the stage and the audience is eating it up. Next we hear “Dolvett, come on down!” This is the first time I’ve watched The Biggest Loser and, to be perfectly honest, this part strikes me as a little bit The Running Manish. Fingers crossed that Dynamo makes the next kill. Then, Jillian rolls in wearing incredibly unflattering white pants inspired by everything that was bad about 1989.

First, the kids are divided up into teams. Bingo is on Bob’s team (Bingo, Bob, Bob, Bingo), Lindsay goes to Dolvett, and Sunny teams up with Jillian. Next, we get to see who earns free gym memberships and a chance to win the $250,000 prize:

• Michael Dorsey, 34, Baltimore, Maryland
• Lisa Rambo, 37, Houlton, Wisconsin
• Jackson Carter, 21, Layton, Utah
• Nate Montgomery, 25, Colorado Springs, Colorado
• Francelina Morillo, 25, Albany, New York
• Pamela Geil, 43, New York, New York
• Alexandra “Alex” Reid, 24, Carrollton, Texas
• Jeff Nichols, 24, Monroe, Michigan
• David Jones, 51, Kiefer, Oklahoma
• Joe Ostaszewski, 43, Williston, Florida
• Dannielle “Danni” Allen, 26, Wheeling, Illinois
• Nicole “Nikki” Davis, 26, Chatsworth, California
• Cate Laughlan, 28, Ransomville, New York
• Gina McDonald, 47, Hoover, Alabama
• Thomas “TC” Pool, 31, Albany, Oregon

The contestants arrive at the BL Ranch and are split up into three teams—White (Jillian), Red (Dolvett), and Blue (Bob). The White and Red Teams hop on treadmills for the beginning of a two-hour workout which is, coincidentally, the length of one episode of The Biggest Loser.

Exactly three minutes and thirty seconds into the workout, Nate does a face plant on the treadmill, someone on the Blue Team projectile vomits white liquid (which is particularly worrisome because who chugs mashed potatoes before hitting the gym?), and Jackson passes out. The gym is temporarily converted into a triage unit, much like a very special episode of M*A*S*H.

Once everyone gets back to work, TC finds that he can’t keep up and is kicked out of the gym. Next, Nikki hits the floor and Jillian is on her faster than a cop at a doughnut shop. This essentially wipes out the White Team, which has lost three members on the very first day.

The first challenge takes place in an Ikea ball pit with the three kids strung up overhead in very uncomfortable looking harnesses. The winning team gets a five-pound advantage at the weigh-in. Run run run, dig dig dig, and the White Team wins. Since the White Team’s first workout was nothing short of a debacle, they really needed the extra five pounds. After the challenge, the kids are sent home with new Trek bikes and iPads but are never advised against using them both at the same time.

Apparently the workouts do not get any easier. At the “Last Chance Workout,” Jackson is crying on the rowing machine and….vomit. It splashes on poor Joe’s leg and he somehow fights the urge to reenact the pie eating contest from Stand By Me. Next, Gina wipes out and earns a pep talk from Bob. And then there’s Nikki, who has completely lost her drive. Jillian gives her a choice: get back to work, or there’s the door. And…Nikki takes the door, which is the equivalent of winning a goat behind Curtain Number Two.

After the first week, the contestants get on the scale to see which team has the largest percentage of weight loss. The hostess lady (not the Hostess lady, as in Hostess Cupcakes, because that would be an awful product placement for a weight loss show) explains that the person on the losing team with the lowest percentage of weight loss will be automatically eliminated. Then, much to my horror, the men rip their shirts off for the weigh-in and we are treated to a frightening display of moobs.

The White Team loses, and the weakest link must go home. That person is…Jillian! No, kidding. It’s TC. We hear a whimper not unlike that of a six-year-old girl after finding her goldfish floating at the top of the tank, and he says his goodbyes and vows to continue working towards his weight loss goals. Good luck to you, TC.

What did you think of the season premiere of The Biggest Loser? How do you feel about Jillian being back?

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