Recap: Dancing With the Stars – Week 1 [Season 17 Premiere]

So this dancing show, this is something that really happens? I kind of thought it was more of an inside joke. “Oh I just stayed home and watched Dancing With The Stars if-you-know-what-I-mean.” Well, color me surprised and mildly intrigued.

They don’t waste much time, so it’s the first dance by Brant Daugherty (Pretty Little Liars) and Peta, and it’s the Cha-Cha-Cha, complete with sparkle and spandex. I guess it was good? They’re both out of breath, so at the very least it should get an A for effort. Some old guy says it was fabulous, a smarmy little man criticized something I didn’t understand, and an overly tanned hot chick gives him a wink, for a total of 22 points.

Snooki wants to be referred to as “Nicole.” No.

Next up are Leah Remini (The King Of Queens) and Tony. Kind of like her, she showed up to practice in dumpy looking sweats and no makeup, without a care for the cameras. They’re dancing the foxtrot. I don’t know. I think her long swishy dress is covering up her moves. The squirrelly little guy avoids giving any meaningful commentary, the pretty lady wants more arm extension, and the old guy thinks it was clean and precise, for a score of 21 points.

Corbin Bleu (High School Musical) and Karina will be dancing next, and he has some dance experience so this better be good. They’re dancing “contemporary,” so I don’t expect to understand anything that’s happening. Fluttering, rolling on the floor, reaching for the sun, feigned emotion, little air leaps, fast mime, ice dancing…I suspect they just made that up on the fly. The nice lady gives them jazz hands, the old guy is freaking out with excitement, and the smarmy man touches the old guy, for a whopping 24 points.

Jack Osbourne (Ozzy) and Cheryl are warming up out back while Jack’s father, Ozzy, watches from the audience, possibly in a coma. They will be dancing the foxtrot. It looks like more of a skip than a trot and Jack is super stiff, but they give it a goofy enthusiasm. The old guy insists that Jack can dance, the twirpy guy tells him to watch his turns, and the hot chick is blown away, for a score of 23 points.

It’s time for Amber Riley (Glee) and Derek, so squee! Fan favorite! They are doing a very fast Cha-Cha-Cha, and she can really dance! That sparkle stringy skirt is moving! The judges are freaking out, for a total of 27 points.

The next dancers are Elizabeth Berkley (Showgirls) and Valentin, who will be dancing “contemporary,” which will be hilarious. Spinning, starfish, happy starfish, reaching for the sky, sprinkler, modified cabbage patch, angry spider, three-legged dog, collapsing on the floor, ragdoll, tug-of-war, man losing his shirt. Pretty lady says “poetic angel,” the old guy thinks it was lovely, and the weird little man thinks it was a great piece of dancing, which earns them 24 points.

Bill Nye (The Science Guy) and Tyne are up next, and he did not forget his lab coat. Tyne, however, went Full Showgirl with her outfit. They named their team “Hot Knowledge,” which is perfectly nerdy, and they’re dancing the Cha-Cha-Cha to Weird Science. Bill has some decent moves because he’s got that tall lanky thing happening, but he is pretty much just a prop for Tyne. The old guy calls it painful to watch, the smarmy guy thinks it didn’t gel, and the hot chick thinks that he is the heart of the show, for a pitiful 14 points.

It’s not over yet? Ugh, okay. Next up are Keyshawn Johnson (Football) and Sharna, so we get to see how a big muscley guy handles the whole twinkley toes thing. They dance the Cha-Cha-Cha, and oh boy. He lacks rhythm. And movement. And maybe a few other things. But he does okay, letting Sharna steal the show. The smarmy guy notices that he lost time, the pretty lady finds it a little stiff, and the old guy thinks he needs to work on the technique, for a total of 17 points.

Christina Milian (The Voice) and Mark also opt for “contemporary,” so here goes: smoke, reaching, mime, dying giraffe, stepping over marshmallows, kung fu, The Matrix, dragging sacks of flour, cookies on the top shelf, beached whale, double eggplant. The judges feel the drama and intensity, for a score of 22 points.

Some guy I’ve never heard of even after watching his bio, Bill Engvall (Comedian), will be dancing the foxtrot with Emma. His performance is passable but boring. The old guy gives him credit for remembering the routine, the smarmy guy feels that he felt something, and the pretty woman wants more smoothy moves, for a total of 18 points.

Next up is Valerie Harper (Rhoda) and Tristan. She’s 73, she has who knows how much longer to live, and she wants to dance. They dance the foxtrot, and it’s not great dancing, but she really knows how to work a crowd. The smarmy guy calls her a national treasure and an inspiration but gives pointers on her form, the pretty lady is too verklempt to judge, and the old guy thinks the performance had flow and expression, for a score of 21 points.

Last but still possibly least, Snooki (Being Drunk) and Sasha dancing the Cha-Cha-Cha. I’m guessing that demure black silk wrap she’s wearing is going to disappear at some point…and there you have it, pink sparklez. I’m not sure what I’m watching. The pretty lady likes the way Snooki went for it, the old guy calls her a pocket rocket (which he probably didn’t mean to say), and the weird little guy says things I don’t really understand, for a total score of 23 points.

So what does all of this mean? I have no idea. I guess people call and vote for their favorites? Someone gets eliminated next week, so that’ll be fun. And…yeah. That happened.

Stay tuned for more Dancing With The Stars recaps each week!

All photos via On the Red Carpet