We’re back, and we’re dancier than ever with a promise of guest judge and legend Cher next week. To start things off we’ve got Elizabeth Berkley and Val something-or-other over-emoting as they dance what I assume is some sort of hand jive but turns out to be ballroom if that gives you any idea of how ridiculous this is. She’s a really lovely dancer, but she seems like an exhausting human. Spin spin spin, limbs limbs limbs, and the judges gush gush gush for a total of 27 points.
Brant and Peta dance and over-the-top jive and Peta looks like a professional dancer, albeit an absurdly dressed one. Apparently he lost time somewhere along the way and the routine was a little challenging for him, but he still earns a total of 27 points.
Leah and Tony are dancing salsa, and they both look like they are wearing Sexy Salsa Dancer Halloween costumes. There are a couple of awkward flip that Leah barely lands, and it’s really not her best performance. The judges liked it a lot better than I did with a pair of nines and an eight for a total of 26 points.
So let’s see what Jack and Cheryl can do with the jive. It’s like a hillbilly version of the traditional 1950s schtick, so that’s refreshing. And Jack looks almost relaxed and nearly nimble. You know what it is about him? He’s got thick thighs. That’s not normally a hot look on a guy, and can’t possibly be conducive to dancing. Their performance was fun and flighty, and other than some criticism about not having crispy feet, the judges enjoyed it for a total score of 27 points.
Amber and Derek are dancing the paso doble. It’s fast and furious and fierce and a lesson in how to wear matador and flamenco costumes without looking like you work in Epcot Center’s Spanish restaurant. I don’t know, did the pace die down toward the end? It seemed to finish with a fizzle instead of a kaboom. The judges think the performance had depth and nuance for a total score of 29 points.
It’s time for Most Improved Dancer Bill and his partner Emma. They are dancing the quickstep to some Elvis, for true Vegas cheeseballing. Well, this is sort of painful to watch. They’re just sort of skipping around the stage, boring me to tears. It’s a dance, not an aerobics workout. Do something! Anything! Ah, whatever. The judges aren’t impressed for a total of 23 points.
Bring me Snooki! She’s dancing the samba with Sasha. Snooki and Sasha samba. She looks a little flat and not fun this week, plopping around the dance floor. The judges thought it took her a while to get into the samba groove but give her straight nines for a total of 27 points. I really don’t know where that score comes from, but whatever.
Finally, Corbin and Korina dance the Cha-Cha-Cha, complete with fake rain and a costume made out of Big Bird’s carcass. Oh he’s good. Corbin somehow makes yellow suspenders and a dance better suited for a Valtrex commercial look sexy. It’s so good that it earns Corbin a total of 29 points (turns out Len doesn’t like gyrating—who knew?).
The contestants are split into two teams for a dance off. One team calls themselves Spooky Bom Bom and overuse a smoke machine and zombie makeup. This is stupid. Snooki’s bouncing around like a dead hamster, Elizabeth is the peppiest corpse in the world, Leah….ugh. She’s tired. And Bill resorts to some Saturday Night Fever pointing. Their grand finale involves flinging Snooki in the air, but unfortunately they decide to catch her, too. The judges loved it and give the team a total of 27 points.
The other team calls themselves Sad Cat Ladies and dress up as Meowser Fluffypaws. So far I’m embarrassed for everyone. Amber’s dancing was mild for Amber, Brant and Peta are playing a strange game called Cat Trapped In A Smoke Machine, Corbin somehow kills it and I can’t even explain what he’s doing to his partner because there are no words, Jack seems very comfortable dressed as a furry, and I just don’t even know anymore. But it was good, I think. The judges call it clever and inventive and agrees that Corbin totally killed it for a perfect score of 30 points.
Anyway, to the losers. Between Bill and Snooki, our little bundle of New Jersey fun is eliminated from the show. Aww. She’s crying. And so is her agent, because where do you go from Dancing With The Stars now that Celebrity Rehab has been cancelled?
Next week, her highness Cher!
Stay tuned for more Dancing With The Stars recaps each week!
All photos via On the Red Carpet